Declarative Language Examples for PDA: Scripts, Swaps, & Free Printables

Disclaimer: I am a parent sharing lived experience and peer-to-peer support. This is not medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult with a neurodiversity-affirming professional.

If you are parenting a child with a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile, you know that the word "No" isn't just a refusal—it's a survival instinct. When a demand is placed on a highly sensitive nervous system, it triggers an immediate threat response. They aren't choosing to ignore you; their brain is literally hitting the panic button.

The fastest, most effective way to bypass that panic button and build connection is by mastering declarative language.

Imperative vs. Declarative Language: The Core Difference

An imperative sentence is a direct demand. It requires compliance. (e.g., "Put on your shoes." "Wash your hands." "Stop playing Minecraft.")

A declarative sentence is an observation. It shares information, invites collaboration, and requires absolutely nothing in return. (e.g., "I notice your shoes are by the door." "The water in the sink is warm." "It's almost time to save your game.")

The Danger of the "Disguised Demand"

PDAers have highly attuned "threat radar." If you use a declarative sentence but secretly hold the expectation that they *must* comply, they will sense the hidden demand and instantly dysregulate. Declarative language only works when you completely let go of the outcome.

Real-Life Declarative Language Examples (By Situation)

Here is a cheat sheet of exact scripts you can use to replace demands during the hardest transitions of the day.

Morning Routines & Getting Dressed

• Instead of: "Put your jacket on, we are late." -> Try: "It looks really chilly outside today. My jacket is by the door."
• Instead of: "Eat your breakfast." -> Try: "I put some toast on the counter if you get hungry."
• Instead of: "Get your backpack." -> Try: "I'm heading out to the car in two minutes."

Pausing Screen Time & Transitions

• Instead of: "Turn off the iPad now." -> Try: "I'm going to start making lunch in about ten minutes."
• Instead of: "Give me the controller." -> Try: "I wonder if there's a good spot to save your progress soon."
• Instead of: "Stop playing and come here." -> Try: "I'd love to see what you built in Minecraft when you're ready to show me."

Hygiene, Brushing Teeth, & Bath Time

• Instead of: "Go brush your teeth." -> Try: "I'm going to go brush my teeth now. The blue toothpaste is out."
• Instead of: "Get in the bath." -> Try: "I poured some bubbles in the tub, and the water is super warm."
• Instead of: "Wash your hands." -> Try: "We are having dinner soon. The soap is by the sink."

5 "Starter Phrases" to Build Your Own Declarative Scripts

If you get stuck in a high-stress moment, try starting your sentence with one of these five phrases:

• 1. "I wonder..." (e.g., "I wonder where your left shoe went.")
• 2. "I notice..." (e.g., "I notice that your water bottle is empty.")
• 3. "I'm thinking..." (e.g., "I'm thinking about reading a book on the couch.")
• 4. "I imagine..." (e.g., "I imagine you are feeling really frustrated right now.")
• 5. "It's time to..." (e.g., "It's time to head downstairs.")

When Declarative Language Doesn't Work: Troubleshooting

If your child is still melting down, check your tone of voice and body language. Are your arms crossed? Are you sighing? Are you looming over them? Kneel down, soften your face, and ensure you are genuinely offering an observation, not a stealthy command.

Also, remember that connection must precede communication. If their nervous system is already in fight-or-flight, no script in the world will work. Focus on co-regulation first.

Want More Actionable Scripts?

If these examples helped, you will love the PDA Parenting Playbook. It is packed with in-depth communication strategies, printable visual schedules, and low-demand living tools designed for your family.